A Sad Christmas Moment

How did he do it?

How did Chev survive Christmas 07 by himself in a house full of strangers munching on Boy Bawang while making conversation with random white people? How did he stay sane amidst the loneliness of being away from home during the holidays? I have to ask him that when he gets home because right now my heart feels so heavy.

I am so homesick and sentimental.

I am glad that I'm with Chev now and we're spending Christmas together and not from separate ends of the country (or the world). I am even more glad that we're together now as husband and wife and celebrating our first Christmas together. But I can't help but wish that we are celebrating it with all of our loved ones as well. A Christmas milestone in our life and we are so far away.

It's true what they say. Nothing beats being home for the holidays. I miss the frenzy around Christmas time. The bad traffic. The endless company parties. The monito monitas. The holiday dinner with friends. The reunion with families. I miss being around my crazy friends and family. I even miss waiting for my name to be picked at the Company Christmas raffle and lugging around giant Christmas hams and Queso de Bolas right after. I miss the noise. The raucous. The sheer panic of not having any gifts yet for your dozens of godchildren. The shopping. God I miss shopping for gifts. I miss the crazy happy Christmas in Manila. I also miss the scent of Christmas in Manila. The native delicacies, the cool air, the feel and smell of Simbang Gabi. Here it doesn't smell like pine trees as I expected. It doesn't even smell imported (you know the scent from the balikbayan box when it's freshly opened). Here it smells like peace. And quiet.

So there. I feel sad because Christmas here doesn't feel like Christmas at all. Sure it looks like Christmas with all the lights and wreaths and decors. But it doesn't feel like it.

It's really true what they show in the movies *plays Pasko na Sinta Ko* mas masaya ang Pasko sa Pilipinas.

So in an attempt to make this Christmas a little more joyful (since it's just gonna be me and Chevy and we don't have any friends or family here in Massachussetts) I put up a Christmas tree. AND I occasionally play Chirstmas songs when I'm working AND I'm planning on cooking up a Christmas feast for 10. So what if we're going to eat leftovers until Valentine's Day. I just want to celebrate Christmas like I used to. And maybe I'll start wrapping up the stuff here at home so we have things to put under our tree. Or print out giant photos of friends and families so it will look like we have them around.

Sigh. It's just that it's my first Christmas away from home and it breaks my heart. But I know Chev will do everything to make me happy. In homesickness and in health.

*sings I'll be home for Christmas...if only in my dreams*

To Blog Again

I haven't blogged in a while. No, make that I haven't blogged in a long time. This year I probably posted 8 blogs in 11 months and that includes photo blogs. I just haven't had the time. They used to say that life here in the States is hectic. Spot on. It's been so busy I rarely got any down time. And when I did, I usually spent it lying around doing nothing for the sake of doing nothing (for once). I had a lot of blogs. In my head. I always put my mundane experiences into words that I have stashed in My Mental Blog or in pieces of paper or paper towels or table napkins which I have lost along with my trains of thought. And now it feels like it's time to write again. To dust off the old keyboard and put my words out there for the world to read. Like the world reads my blog.

My friend this morning told me I was a good writer. Of course I let that go to my head. He's actually trying to convince me to write an article for the MOTHER OF ALL BLOGS and of course he opened up his bag of compliments to get me to do it. Maybe I will. Maybe I won't. Okay. I will. Just because he said I was a good writer. So there.

I seem to forget how to do this. I'm just writing whatever comes to mind. With no reason, no rhyme whatsoever. But isn't that what blogs are for?

For the life of me I can't remember the blog entries I stashed in My Mental Multiply.

Hmmmm....

Oh I got one. My birthday entry. Every year I do a birthday entry since I turned 25. This year I didn't write any. Because i was too busy working or riding buses and trains to and from work or shopping or window shopping or lying around doing nothing. I'll write that next. Maybe in a couple of hours.

For now I'm gonna go out and get some sun. It's sunny out. A rare New England moment. I'll bask in the sun and probably prance around while no one is watching. Frolick in the maple leaves that are brown and dead. And feel their crunch under my boots and glow in the fact that it is so nice to be alive compared to them. Or maybe I'll go out in flip flops. Such a brave thing to do.

To Blog Again. Hmm...I have forgotten how good it feels. Like the sun and the crunch of dead maple leaves.

Bittersweet valentine Flashback

written last February 14

It seems that my Valentine’s Day celebration has fallen into a pattern. I realized it just now (with so much time on my hands spent oversleeping, thinking and planning). Yes, my V-day this year is quiet. No date, no flowers, no nothing. This is okay because Chev is in Santa Clara and I’m here in Manila and no we didn’t send each other Across the Miles To My Mahal greeting cards. But I realized that over the years, my V-day date book has been alternately empty and full. So I made this flashback and realized that my, my, it has been either happy or sad for me for 5 years now.

2004 – Bitter. As bitter as bitter gourd, dark chocolate, and double espresso shots blended into one disgusting choco veggie shake. I was broken up and hating the world and everything connected to love. I hated the sight of hearts and cupids and flowers and balloons. And I secretly murmured (to lovers around me) the line I made famous for a while “maghihiwalay din kayo…” I was the V-day grouch. And a man-hater. And a couple-hater. And yes this was my party girl year.

2005 – Sweet. I was with someone then and V-day was brighter than the year before. The lovebug bit me and I somehow learned to like flowers and balloons again. I was still a party girl. But a little subdued.

2006 – Bitter. My friends and I celebrated the S.A.D. (Single Awareness Day) V-day together. Yes I was single again. And we drowned our sorrows in wine, wine and more wine.

2007 – Sweet. Celebrated my first V-day with Chev. While we didn’t celebrate on the day itself, which we both consider mucky, we still found a way to make it more special than regular days. He gave me nice flowers and we had a nice dinner the weekend after. The bitter me in 04 is just a shadow of my present self. I have to say that Chev made me believe in love again. And changed my party girl ways. Yes, he is the man who tamed the shrew. At this time, I had no idea he would make a fiancé out of me in 7 months. But we knew back then we would last for a long time.

2008 – V-day without a valentine. But it’s cool. At least I know, following the pattern over the years, that 2009 will be better than this year and the past 5 years. By then hopefully, I will be with Chev. By then hopefully, I will be celebrating V-day with a different last name.

I'll keep you posted on what happens next year ;) Bitter or sweet.

And So This is Christmas

Went to Ayala mall area last Saturday to go grocery shopping with mommy and do a little Christmas shopping…or should I say start with my Christmas shopping since I haven’t gotten anyone anything yet. While I was driving along the longest parking lot that is EDSA, I realized some things about Christmas. Then I realized that in 1997, I wrote a similar entry in my High School journal - a journal we were all forced to fill up with our pensive teenage reflections for English class. And 10 years later, here I am thinking the same thoughts again. Either Christmas in Manila hasn’t changed or my outlook in life is still as childish and glum as that of my scrawny slightly nerdy high school self. These are the things I noted in between my mental curses directed at those g damn taxi and bus drivers who don’t know road courtesy even if it chewed off their friggin’ faces!!!

1. Christmas time in Manila = heavy traffic EVERYwhere

2. It also means = “Time to Exploit the Shoppers” season for taxi drivers as they shift to “Drive Like An Ass” gear while slinking their way around like the vile conniving snakes that they are.

3. I also realized, while staring at the back of a REVO for a full 20 minutes that REVO is actually OVER spelled backwards while TOYOTA is ATOYOT and CIVIC is still CIVIC.

4. I also realized that my mom is still a backseat driver. And she still gets mad when I try to make like a taxi driver and “drive like an ass.”

5. And that sometimes even if you dress up curse words as Crap! Sheet! Fuuuudge! Puch! and wish those drivers would die or crap their pants or die with crap in their pants, your mom will still shush you.

6. When I got to the parking lot, just like in my 1997 journal, people were fighting over parking spaces. There was this guy who was literally screaming his lungs off while cursing this lady who took his spot. And another couple fighting with a teenager, you guessed it, over a parking spot. Which made me sigh. How ironic. Christmas is the time to give and share and the time to be nice and not naughty. But cases like this usually happen only around Christmas time.

7. When I entered the mall I saw what felt like a gazillion kids buying toys and clothes. Christmas is indeed for children. Naughty or nice. And their parents will do everything, to make their children’s Christmas a happy one – fight over parking space, over the last toy in stock, over who goes first at the line at the cashier. Which is good because it’s the only time during the year when parents show their little gremlins how much they care.

8. I also realized that I have 6 godchildren and I still have no gifts for them.

9. Which sent me to a panicked frenzy. So I made a list of gifts to buy and rushed around buying the nicest presents I could find (that fit my budget). So I realized how year after year, I resolve to shop early but I still end up rushing like there was only one week til Christmas. And yes it’s true.

10. Some people (the really dorky ones) who shop one month before Christmas end up floating around the mall like butterflies with all the time in the world. Which totally pissed me off. I actually had a little spat with one of them who looked like she was on dope, staring off into space and holding up the line like her world was in slow mo.

11. That NOT all SM ladies ask you if you have an SM Advantage card. Hah! I finally found one who totally forgot to ask me.

12. That when I badly need to shop, I have trouble finding good stuff to buy but when I window shop I find things that I totally drool over but can’t buy.

13. That some salesladies are just totally blah. They don’t know what the hell they’re selling or just don’t understand what you’re looking for. And some of them are just so inaudible you just want to tell them to get out of the sales industry if they can’t speak up.

14. That I hear Jose Mari Chan during Christmas every single year whenever I see girls and boys selling lanterns on the street…

15. That the kids who sing carols at you doorstep usually sing the same medley you know the one that starts with “Sa May Bahay…” followed by “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” and “Thank you..thank you, ang babait ninyo thank you.”

16. That during Christmas I’m usually grumpy. Like the Grinch. Or the grumpy dwarf and the Grumpy Bear that doesn’t care. Or Ebenezer Scrooge. I’m like the Nightmare Before Christmas.

But don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas. It’s my favorite time of the year. And I will rejoice and celebrate the birthday of Jesus. But the rejoicing will not be as jolly or as merry. Not this year. With Chev on the other side of the world, I just don’t feel the spirit of Christmas. I can’t take the distance and I can’t take all this holiday cheer.

I Sent My Heart to San Francisco

It was tough when he left yesterday for San Francisco.

It was tough helping him pack his things. Trying to fit in 2 years worth of clothing and accessories into one giant luggage and wanting to fill it with little things that will remind him of you …knowing that you won’t be able to see each other whenever you want to.

It was tough having lunch with him, talking and laughing and acting like it’s just another normal lunch…knowing it will be a while before you eat together again.

It was tough driving to the airport and asking him to drive faster so he can make it in time…knowing that getting to the airport is the last thing you want to happen.

It was tough talking to his parents at the waiting area when all you want is to spend time with him alone….knowing he’ll be gone in a just a few precious minutes.

It was tough giving him a quick kiss goodbye…knowing that you want nothing but to hug him tight and never let him go.

It was tough wishing him a good trip...knowing that all you want to say is "please don't go...not without me"

It was tough making small talk with his parents before leaving…knowing all you want to do is run to your car so you can break down and cry.

It was tough driving home with all the tears in your eyes...knowing it will take a while before they stop falling.

It was tough talking to him on the phone before he finally boarded the plane…knowing there was nothing any of you could say to make each other feel better.

It was tough saying goodbye.

But it’s tougher waking up and trying to get back into your routine knowing that it will never be the same...…that he won’t be a call away…that he won’t be there at the end of the day

It feels tougher than breaking up with someone because then you do everything to forget...but now you hold on to everything you can remember. And even if the memories make you smile, they also make you cry. Because you know from now on, life will never be the same again. And it will be a while before you can make it right.

I've never missed anyone so much in my life. And it's only our first day apart. Sigh.

Grateful (not dead) at 27

As of yesterday, I am officially 27 years old!! I am no longer mid-20’s. Belch. It was my friend Steffy Toh who made me realize this. She’s 7 days older than me and we used to have joint celebrations at Nestle every year. So during our exchange of annual birthday SMS, she mentioned how we met when we were only 22 and super nene but now we’re near our 30’s na…marrying/childbearing age. I kinda freaked out a bit. Not about the marrying and childbearing age but with how time just flew by us. I realized I’ve known her for 5 years already. Seems like only yesterday when we first met during our H.R. interviews at the ground floor of the Nestle Center. We were both super young then, dressed in trying hard corporate outfits feeling all mature and trying to make good impressions when in fact we knew so little of the corporate world. Tsk. Time flies.

Then I realized that I’ve known my college friends for 10 years! *gasp*

And my high school friends for 14 years! *nosebleed*

Anyways, after a bit of fretting over my age and after wiping off the blood from under my nose, I took a good look at the wrinkly lines below my eyelids, swore to use my eye cream regularly and let it go. Age? Just a number. I’m still young at heart. Sometimes too young at heart for my own good. Snicker. Snicker. So I decided to treat my aging self to a birthday coffee. I finished work at around 4pm (give me a break, it was my birthday!!) and drove over to Starbucks at Shell Fort. It was raining hard. Which happens every year during my birthday. They say it’s raining blessings daw for me. Sana. I’m hoping those will be career blessings. I’ve had a tough year. Boohoo.When I got to Starbucks, I got my usual non-fat-iced-white-chocolate-mocha and an extra hot grande non-fat-decaf-café-mocha to take home. Kinda drooled a bit over the cakes but decided not to since I’ve been eating nonstop all weekend (Saturday house blessing party, Sunday buffet with family). So I sat there and did a bit of Reflection Time with my lonely birthday coffee as I watched my blessings pound on the misty windows of Starbucks.

I realized that I did have a lot of blessings over the years. And I am grateful for all of them. Thanks to PJ (Papa Jesus).

1. My family. My moody and funny dad, my chatterbox caring mom, my carefree Ate and my OC Diche. I think I’m a mix of all of them. I’m grateful I have them in my life. 27 years with them? Crazy. Fun. Wouldn’t trade for anything else. And I can’t wait for our family to expand as we all eventually get married and have our own little happy families.

2. My fiancé. He’s my rock, my go-to guy. My bodyguard, my doctor, my therapist, my chauffer, my parole officer, my manager, my fan, my best friend, my love, my future, my life. I will love him to death.

3. My friends. All of them. 83 people greeted me through SMS yesterday. Didn’t know I had that much friends. Thanks to Multiply and Friendster for those birthday reminders ☺ But seriously, I am so blessed to have so many great bunch of friends from different eras of my life. I hope I can accommodate everyone on my wedding. That’s almost my share of number of guests. But to all my friends, you’re all great, all fabulous. I’m grateful to each and every one of you for the friendship.

4. My job. Past and present. One: Manila, Nestle and Wyeth. I have learned so much from these 3. Yes I jobhopped a little but I feel like I have made worthy contributions to each before leaving on for greener pastures. I’m at a crossroads now with my career and whatever decision I make, I will be grateful for the 6 years I have spent in those companies. I’m so blessed to have worked for such people and such Filipino, Swiss and American corporations.

5. My health. Glad to say I have never been confined in a hospital since I was a few months old. 27 years of migranes, flus, more migranes, coughs, colds, a bit of chicken pox and measles but nothing deathly serious. So help me God.

6. My worldly possessions. My old car Roxy (the City). My new car Venice (the Vios). My future car Bailey (the BMW) hahaha. They took me places. My workplace away from work, my home away from home. My refuge from the rain…Ever since my bag was stolen, I have learned to treasure my stuff more and to take better care of them. They’ve been good to me. And I’ll try to be their better owner. I don’t have a pet…would like to have one but I’m not sure if I can take care of them…

7. My past. There are things in my past that I wish never took place. Things I want to erase from my memory. But then I realized that if I haven’t gone through what I’ve gone through or I haven’t been with people I’ve been with, I wouldn’t have what I have right now and wouldn’t be who I am right now and for that I am grateful. For every wrong decision. For every mistake. I am making peace with my regrets. All that I have now…all products of what I’ve been through.

It’s been a good solid 27 years. I’ve written resolutions in the past. But I realized I haven’t made any of those things happen. So I just stopped resolving and just started thanking. In the wake of the tragedies happening everywhere (mall blasts, flash floods, wildfire) I just wanted give out my thanks to the world!! I have lived a good life. And am looking forward to living a better one (hopefully a long one if God will permit)…and I hope you all stick around.

Cheers!

XOXO

Never Go To Bed Angry

Never go to bed angry…especially when you’re angry with the one you love. The feelings bottled up will seem to fade the next day but in reality it will just hide in the secret pockets of your subconscious together with ignored feelings of hurt and resentment. When that pocket fills all the unspoken words from those nights of silent loathing will be spoken in one furious breath and may cause damage beyond repair. And before you know it, everything will be over and you’ll say outloud (to yourself and whoever will listen) that it wasn’t meant to be – irreconcilable differences. But in reality it could have been a meant to be. Meant to be’s are also meant-to-be-worked-out. You didn’t do your part in working things out. You chose not to reconcile your differences when you had the chance, when they were still small and petty. When they seemed insignificant. Now all the insignificant differences have turned into one giant significant difference. Now everything has been blown out of proportion and it’s just too damn late to turn things around. And it will be another what if? if only? question in your life.

So you scream. cry. weep. Now you express all the pain and anger that caused your loss in the first place. Ironically, for lost causes.

In relationships it’s key to relay. Relay your feelings: not just love, joy and passion but also anger, hurt, stress and sadness. Share in each tear, each laugh, each whine. Joy shared is multiplied, pain shared is divided. Express and receive anger, say and accept apologies, resolve and try to do better, understand and make yourself understood. Talk and talk is not just talk. It answers questions, clears misconceptions, relieves tension, reveals emotions, assures and secures. It bridges gaps, builds trust, and above all saves relationships. No more haunting what-ifs, what-might-have-beens, ones-who-got-away coulda-woulda-shouldas. Only happily-ever-afters.

Slightly weathered slightly worn happily ever after :)

So the next time your girlfriend tells you she’s angry and hurting and she can’t sleep because something is bothering her, listen and try to make her feel better. Try not to think of it as nagging. It’s her way of telling you that something’s wrong and it just can’t freaking wait til tomorrow. Otherwise tomorrow it will seem forgotten but one day, when you least expect it, it will blow up in your face. So turn off that NBA game, stop surfing ESPN and talk to your girlfriend. Sort it out. It will just take a few minutes but it can possibly save you a lifetime of regrets.

Inspired by: D Sound, Baz Luhrman, Ellen Degeneres, Max Lucado
Triggered by: my overactive brain cells and slight symptoms of paranoia
Fuelled by: rush of girly girl hormones, banoffee pie, and my compulsive need to say my two cents worth and express my opinions (so sue me, I'm a Comm Arts graduate).
Note: Written in general. With no person in mind whatsoever. These are just learnings from stories and experiences. Any similarity to an actual real life breathing person on this earth is purely coincidental.

What A Difference A Year Makes

I’m now 26. Yes, I’m approaching my late 20’s. Yes, I have lived a quarter of my life. And yes, I am aging.

But I don’t regret turning 26. In fact, when I look back at my 25th year on earth, I can say it has seen the worst and the best of me. I have gone through so much. I have learned so much. And I couldn’t have done it without the help of the people around me.

So here I am, all grown up at 26, reflecting yet again on all the many changes in my life. Looking back, I realize how different October 23, 2005 was from 2006…


Before. I was such a party girl. Post partum breakup, all I did was go to bars, drink and smoke and dance til dawn. I found happiness in friends, alcoholic drinks and psychedelic lights. Friday and Saturday nights, I’m at the Fort dining and wining and dancing to house or hiphop music. Occasional BOTs (Bottle or Two) at Good Earth or Gweilos helped me get through manic Mondays and well, manic anydays. I couldn’t stay at home. I couldn’t be left alone because I didn’t want silence or dead air and depressing thoughts. I filled my world with blaring music, loud laughter and sheer intoxication.


Now. I have toned down. It’s been 3 months since I last saw the inside of Cuisine, Embassy, Ponti, even Capones. Very rare BOTs on weekdays and no more partying til dawn. I rarely stay up late except when I’m working or catching a late night movie or a few rounds at Greenbelt or Alabang. I only see the break of dawn during poker nights with high school friends or house parties with my girlfriends. I have changed. I’m done with the excessive partying. Now I’m into quiet drinking with close friends than wild partying at clubs. It’s way way cheaper, safer and more intimate that way. It has now been my rule to avoid drinking and driving…but I wouldn’t mind an occasional Friday night at Piedra or Gaudi or Cuisine..with a designated driver of course ;)


Before. I only see my girlfriends for occasional Saturday or Sunday lunch/ coffee and sometimes for Friday dinners. Usually we only meet up to discuss a recent heartbreak or when someone’s going through a major fight or on the verge of a break-up. And when we do meet, we’re ALWAYS incomplete and we have an 11 PM Curfew (long story). It’s only during these meetings that we get the latest buzz. Other days, we go on with our lives with occasional yahoogroup emails (forwarded) and text messages (forwarded).

I only see my high school friends whenever someone gives birth, when someone’s kid gets baptized or celebrates a birthday or before someone leaves for the States. And we just eat and eat or sing videoke.


Now. My girlfriends and I are making up for all the lost time and early curfews. We see each other every week. We spend hours and hours chatting and discussing our life stories. And I mean hours. From dinner til dawn, we analyze one another’s situations and issues about our personal careers and lovelives. And we’re not satisfied with that, even at work, we YM each other individually or via conference. We SMS each other and forward gossip like we all have service phones from work. We celebrate birthdays together now, complete with themes and costumes. We cook food. Our friends with good culinary skills teach us mere undomesticated mortals. We know the ins and outs of each other’s lives. I have gone on a trip to Bangkok with one of my girlfriends, something we have always planned but never thought would actually happen. And we are closer than before. In a year, we have seen the following changes: (1) my break-up, new love and new life (2) Inja’s repeat relationship, breakup, and dating frenzy (3) Thiella’s shaky marriage, jealousy fits and imaginary dogs (4) Dana’s love and heartbreak over her guy best friend and the blossoming of her Havaianas love affair (5) Al Jean’s transition from girlfriend to life partner (6) Dior’s “medical affairs” -- her work work and nightlife imbalance and finally, the latest and most devastating and most complicated of them all (7) Eve’s love triangleS and Pinnochio syndrome (I’m a real boy!). From Desperate Housewives addiction to CSI and Grey’s Anatomy…from JD and Coke to Absolut Mandarin to All My Tea. From Paris the baby lobster to Paris the dead lobster, we’ve seen it all together. And next year this time, we may no longer be complete with 2 of us exploring options outside the country but at least we had this one full year where we shared everything together. Again, what a difference a year makes. Who would have thought we’d be reunited like this? Hopefully the bonds will never be severed, even when some of us are miles away. Like they say, boyfriends come and go, but girlfriends…like death and taxes, they’re among the only surefire things in life.

Same thing with people you have known during the best years of your life, my high school friends have been there for me during my troubled times. I remember my birthday last year, they celebrated with me at BSA and Joel got so drunk he was dirty dancing against the wall like he was auditioning at Chicos. I am no longer a frequent absentee with my high school friends. Now we get together more often. Usually for our common passion: POKER!! And alcohol and Will Ferell movies. These guys are the best. Really, they are. They will eat whatever you feed them and pretend its good, they will tell you your poker chips are barbaric yet use them still, they will drive from QC to Cavite or from Cavite to Makati and play poker til 4 AM then play tennis or spend time with their families a few hours after. Now we don’t need an occasion to get together, just a lil shuffle up and deal. Oh and Joel’s my officemate now, so we see each other at work plenty of times. And I’m really glad we’re colleagues. It’s always nice seeing him around. He’s like this mascot that cheers up everyone around him.

Before. Speaking of work, another change in my life is my new career. I used to work for Nestle where I spent 3 good life-changing professional years. Nestle was a good company. Good benefits, really nice office and the people were great but well I felt the need to move on and I did so…


Now... I’m with the All-American Wyeth. And the change has been scary but the people here have been so friendly, I feel like I’ve been here for ages. Wyeth is like one big happy family. And they’ve been sooo generous. It’s a less complicated, more kid-friendly place to work in. I’m absolutely loving it.

Before. I was devastated and I felt so worthless and alone (and I did nasty things only stalkers would do ;) My life was just so empty and sad.

Now. I have all the love in the world….I have found my missing piece and I know my life will never be empty or sad ever again.


The things that happen within a year. Makes you wonder, what will it be like the year after? I’ll be 27 then. Where will I be and what will I be like? Who will I be with and what will I be doing? I feel slightly anxious, slightly excited because I know it will be different then but I know, somehow, it will be for the better because I won’t be alone ;)

Love Burns Brighter then the Sun-sun-shine

The song I will sing to my future husband (after the Bon Jovi vows haha). Until then, I am posting this song for my friend Al Jean. She’s so in love and I’m really really happy for her. It hasn’t been a smooth ride for her and her man. I can still remember the “fight nights” when she’d drag me off for a couple of drinks somewhere and we’d talk til midnight about love and the pains of loving and all the sacrifices involved until I felt like sticking my finger up my throat so I can throw up from the drama and mushiness of it all. I remember the headaches from all the analyzing and scrutinizing of every single detail and event that has happened before or after the fight so we can get a fair unbiased perspective. I remember the tears welling up her eyelids (the tears that wouldn’t fall) and the senti songs and romantic movies that we’d quote for comparison and evaluation purposes. I remember the worry and the compassion I felt for her during these nights…because I knew what she was going through and how hard it was to go through it all. I remember how it made me wistful and sad (for her) and a bit happy (for myself) since I was done with such relationship drama-rama. I

I remember sitting across from her in Fusion bar sipping my frozen iced tea and listening to her intently as she told me about how she was on the verge of giving up despite everything, despite all these years, despite all the sacrifices. She said she wouldn’t ask him to take her back anymore. She was fed up. And she tried to justify her decision by citing a litany of all his faults and all the reasons why she should just let it end. I sat there staring at her while chewing thoughtfully on my already gnawed straw. I already told her all the reasons why she shouldn’t but she was still hurting and still unsure. Then I said the 5 words I’ve been wanting to stay to her the whole night “pare-pareho lang ang mga lalake.” She just stared at me, perhaps in disbelief, or perhaps trying to make herself believe.

I found it weird that she’d still ask me to go with her when in fact I wasn’t such good company then. I was heartbroken and jaded and bitter and not to be trusted completely with such delicate love matters. Maybe she thought I was such a good friend and I made a lot of sense or maybe because I was always available since I had no life. Hmmm… still I’m glad she asked me to hang out with her and listen to her problems despite my pessimism. It did me a lot of good. Made me realize also that sometimes love actually is… all you need. It can erase all the harsh words that were said, wipe away all the tears that were shed and overcome all the problems and trials in a relationship. It’s the first thing that keeps you holding on when you feel like letting go. It makes you give in even when you feel like giving up. You rant on and on about the reasons why you should just break it off but in the end you realize there is one reason why you shouldn’t. One single pro against an entire list of cons…and yet it outweighs everything.

I remember how she sat there the whole time, absentmindedly picking at the potato skins with her fork like a zombie. She had no appetite. In fact all she did was puff on her Marlboro menthols like an anxious druggie from rehab as she listened to me speak about the horror that is MAN. She looked hurt and angry and more convinced with every word that I said. And then her phone beeped. There was an SMS from her MAN saying that he will hold on. And everything changed. Erase. Wipe. Overcome. Her eyes lit up, her frown reversed and she ate her potatoes. And I found myself smiling and saying “sana lahat ng lalake katulad na lang niya.” 360 degrees.

Love - that stupid four letter word that turns even the most adamant heart into mush. Sometimes I pity people in love. Sometimes I envy them. Love is so complicated and dramatic and exhausting. But when you are in love, all the complications, drama and exhaustion are rewarded with all the fireworks, butterflies and sparks that just fly off in every direction. When you’re in love, you are shaken to the core by the madness of it all. Your world is turned upside down. And there’s this warmth inside you that just wouldn’t go away. You just glow. And the whole world glows. Just like sunshine. And this song captures it for me. It’s a song about how love feels and what the whole world looks like when you love or start loving again…(even after you have sworn on your unborn children’s grave that you’re through with it). Hmmm…what a feeling in my soul….

Brighter than Sunshine
I never understood before. I never knew what love was for. My heart was broke, my head was sore. What a feeling. Tied up in ancient history. I didn’t believe in destiny. I look up you're standing next to me. What a feeling. What a feeling in my soul. Love burns brighter than sunshine. Brighter than sunshine. Let the rain fall, i don't care. I'm yours and suddenly you're mine. Suddenly you're mine. and it's brighter than sunshine. I never saw it happening. I'd given up and given in. I just couldn't take the hurt again What a feeling. I didn't have the strength to fight suddenly you seemed so right. Me and you. What a feeling. What a feeling in my soul. Love burns brighter than sunshine. It's brighter than sunshine. Let the rain fall, I don't care. I'm yours and suddenly you're mine. Suddenly you're mine It's brighter than the sun. It's brighter than the sun. It's brighter than the sun, sun, shine. Love will remain a mystery. But give me your hand and you will see. Your heart is keeping time with me. What a feeling in my soul. Love burns brighter than sunshine. It's brighter than sunshine. Let the rain fall, I don't care. I'm yours and suddenly you're mine. Suddenly you're mine.

for AR, good luck in Bali :) for BE, let's go to Morocco ;) for KB, alohomora :P

Mirror Mirror On the Wall

The other day I was sitting in the waiting room of my buyer’s office waiting for my appointment with him. Bored to death, I scanned this girly magazine circa 1997 and read this article about looking at yourself in the mirror and seeing what’s inside and not what’s outside. Like cross examining your persona. It basically said that you should try to describe yourself in 5 sentences and if you are able to do so, you know yourself pretty well. Duh. Doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that out. Still, I took out my pen and tried to write down 5 sentences that would sum up who I was. Nothing. Hirap pala. Scratch. Bored and restless, I ended up writing the following. I guess I’m just addicted to words. They just poured out of nowhere. Pardon my vanity but this entry is all about me. You should try it, I had fun.

I'm Like A Child

I love freely and unconditionally J I like hugging people and getting hugs from people, kissing and sniffing people’s cheeks (granny kisses!), tickling people til they laugh so hard they can’t breathe, biting and pinching body parts (arms and cheeks most of the time -- gigil!), making funny faces during meetings and during serious conversations, laughing til I snort and til my tummy hurts from too much gas (haha), watching Cartoon network, Disney channel, playing silly kiddie games, making pa-cute to get what I want (even when I’m dealing with business partners). I throw tantrums like a 3-year old. I get cranky when I’m sleepy, I still sing and dance in the shower. I can just sit still and pop bubble wrap all day. I bite my fingernails when I’m nervous or bored. I like it when I’m pampered and taken care of J (who doesn’t?). Occasionally, I like it when I’m treated like a child. I can lie down in bed while hugging stuffed animals for hours. I swoon over Barbie dolls and MyScene dolls and all their accessories, Sylvanian family dollhouses and the gang of Winnie the Pooh. I treat stuffed toys like they’re real people…

I can be such a guy
I can drink like a guy…til im tipsy happy buzzed…then I swear off drinking for the rest of my life…(then I drink again the following week) J. I drive like a madman and curse like a foul mouthed truck driver at them sh*theads who leave the g-damn yellow lane. I play video games til my eyes hurt. I can hang out all afternoon at a video game arcade playing House of Dead. I party late during Saturdays and sleep til noon during Sundays. I play poker while drinking beer from a bottle and smoking like I’m some gambling lord from a MAFIA movie. I like to watch suspense thrillers and gory horror films (but sometimes I get too scared, I end up watching them through the gap between my fingers). I can hang out with guys and not feel girly or flirty. I can beat guys at billiards. I can sleep anywhere, anytime, any place, in any position. I dress up in jeans and shirts and Havaianas more than frilly tops and skirts. I think Lindsay Lohan is hot.

I can be such a girl
I’m not streetsmart. I don’t know streetnames. I still get lost in places I’ve been to a gazillion times (even Powerplant mall, for crying out loud. It’s the mall across my old office where I worked for 3 years). I need maps – I always ask my friends to draw me maps but I still end up asking help from gasboys or bystanders. I throw up when something smells really bad – like super stinky garbage chutes or spoiled food. I like to eat french fries with ice cream then curse at myself for consuming too much calories. I get really mad-eye-moody during my period. I love to debate about how men are from mars and women are from venus. I put on make up when I’m stressed out or when I feel so damn ugly. I can shop like there’s no tomorrow or credit card limit. I like cute cuddly puppies (I watch them in pet stores and swear I’d buy one soon). I cry my way out of tickets when I get caught for reckless driving. I know nothing about cars – just how to operate the radio and what the button thingies on the dashboard will do. I like to hang out at coffee shops to read books and magazines or to gossip with and about friends and celebrities…or just watch people going about their businesses. I can clean my room and the entire house when I get super OC attacks like I’m freaking Martha Stewart. I cry when I’m really stressed, when I see old people begging or being mistreated in the movies or in real life, when I go to weddings, when I watch romantic films, when I read about tragedies in magazines or newspapers, when I see my friends or any family member cry. I like pretty little kikay things. I swoon over rock stars, hot abs, sports cars – preferably rock stars with hot abs in sports cars J

I can be artsy-fartsy
I like to talk in my fake British accent (haha, will you light my bloody fag?). I love traveling and learning about different cultures and languages, visiting museums and historical places (if only I had all the money!). I make scrapbooks and art projects like I’m the host of Art Attack. I’m a frustrated writer, I write about my experiences and my opinions usually in my blog or in my personal journal. I have a nasty habit of buying and borrowing books but I barely have enough time to read. I collect button pins and hardbound journals but sometimes they’re so pretty I don’t want to ruin them with my ugly handwriting. I look at art, watch foreign art films, sketch or write my thoughts on Starbucks tissue, on my planner, or on any writeable surface. I love doing creative collages, be it manual or through Photoshop or Powerpoint. I love watching plays and musicals. I love taking photos, preferably stolen shots of people doing silly stuff or being serious or being themselves. If I can, I’d be a writer and an illustrator of children’s books. I wanna be the next J.K. Rowling. Haha.

I can be such a hopeless romantic
I tend to talk about love and relationships like I’m Joe d Mango. I give out advice like I’m Dr. Phil. I love giving and receiving surprises to and from people I love. I look forward to wrapping gifts and writing cards to people during special occasions. I think that Romeo and Juliet is the greatest love story of all time but hello did they really have to kill themselves? They could have just gone to Morocco to get hitched in secret! I still do FLAMES, write my crush’s name with little hearts around it, practice my future signature on scratch paper, keep love letters, movie tickets and receipts from memorable dates. I believe in destiny, in the soul mate principle, in happily ever afters and meant-to-be-togethers. I believe in marriage and on certain ultra-sappy days, I believe that the Beatles were right when they sang “All you need is love.” I believe that loving means accepting, trusting, forgiving and forgetting and that love will conquer all….famine, terrorism, racism, bigotry, revolution, PMS, adultery, transvestites, (and for my friend I hope love will conquer the heart of a loathing self centered atheist… a heart that beats for no one but his f-in self L). I believe in romance, kissing when you slow dance, moonlight serenades and candlelit dinners, poetry and love letters in pretty scented stationery. I look forward to the day that I’ll say these words to that one special person I know I was bound to spend the rest of my life with as we take our vows: I’ll be there for you, these five words I swear to you, when you breathe, I wanna be the air for you, I’ll be there for you. I’ll live and I’ll die for you, steal the sun from the sky for you, words can’t say what love can do, I’ll be there for you (Jon Bon Jovi. Sigh. He IS the great one). Seriously, underneath all the occasional cynicism and biting humor, here beats a heart that has been dented and broken one too many times but still believes that it will heal and learn to love again…

*bullshit cough*

It's Still the Longest Yard

I watched everyone with a smile on my face. The happy couple with their adorable children – the little girl with the world as her playground, running around with all the relentless energy of her youth. She’s a carbon copy of her beautiful mum; the little boy, a 3-month old baby in the arms of his dad, quietly observing with his eyes wide open as if saying… “Hullo world, I’m new here but I’m growing up real fast and soon I will be able to explore you with bigger hands and feet.” He’s starting to remind me of his dad. They have the same mischievous look on their faces.


I looked around the table at my friends. 2 couples were talking animatedly about wedding plans...one was an eager bride and another was an excited expecting mommy. How fast time flies. It used be sweet sixteens and debutante parties. Now it’s weddings and christenings and kid's birthday parties. I smiled again, remembering how different it was back in high school. 8 yrs ago, it was all about movies and malls, theme parks and slumber parties...but look at us now, we've come a long way….we’re all grown up.


I found myself wishing he was there beside me. It was a good day. A good day to share with someone I knew would understand why I was smiling, why I was happy ...for I was witnessing milestones in my friends' lives: a child's baptism, an engagement, a wedding, a new baby...the warm feeling of happiness for friends who were experiencing the most important moments in their lives. And babies! He'd understand how I adore fat lil babies with the folds on their arms and legs and we'd make silly baby jokes in a language only the two us would understand and....stop. I hated myself for letting that thought creep in. I rubbed my temple; trying 2 rub away the thought of him. I took a deep breath reached for a cigarette and walked away for a smoke.


As I smoked, I tried to make conversation with the people around me. Jobs, cars, career plans, the usual topics - safe topics. But the thought managed to creep in still. Like an unwanted ingrown sinking deep into your flesh...I shuddered at the thought, took a deep puff, shook my head and shut my eyes.


Hush hush...I told the little voice in my head. You’ve come a long way to go back to that ugly place. You’ve left that ugly place remember? You shut the door and threw away the key. Don’t you dare try to pick the lock now...


Then someone asked me one of the burning questions any person with a uterus gets asked at these events "When do you plan to have a baby?" I opened my eyes, gave a wry smile and tried to think of an answer void of any semblance of sarcasm...how typical. As "when are you getting married?" is to weddings, "when do you plan to have a baby?" is to baptisms (and "what pic do you want on your coffin?" is to funerals).


"Hmmm...."I bit on my lower lip and pretended to think but I was actually wishing it would bleed on the spot and I would be saved from answering his question. "Not in the immediate future. We're talking about a person here; it’s not just a thing you plan to do, like a vacation. It’s another life form you have full responsibility for. You have to be ready for him and the whole package that comes along with him. I guess I’ll be ready for a baby when I stop being so self-centered... so looks like never." We laughed. "And besides, I will be needing a husband or a boyfriend first to do that right? Unless I get impregnated by some maligno." He laughed. I knocked on wood out of habit.


Sigh. Pressure, pushing down on me, pushing down on me.... dum dum dum da da dum dum.

"Always the ninang, never the mom" I wrote that in one of my emails to him. Stop right there. In my head, I pushed a heavy chest of drawers against the door to the bad place to prevent any other thoughts from creeping out. Long way Maya...don’t waste it. Don’t be foolish. Not that easy but if we just work together, that door to the bad place will remain close, I told my head. I silently screamed at my heart, Shut up! You’re not helping me at all so go hibernate until you have nothing but good emotions flowing from your 4 bloody chambers. Knock on wood, again. Kidding, God, just kidding.

I went up and chatted with friends, met new people, joked around. I made plans to postpone the lonely drive home where I will have nothing but my traitor thoughts to keep me company. We left the place, went to Greenhills, shopped a little and had update-us-on-your-life conversations over coffee. The door remained close. Hallelujiah.


It was a good day except for that brief moment of insanity. But as I drove home with Nelly singing in my background, I realized this brother was right..."it’s still the longest yard..." (If I could fly away, I wouldn't come back no more. I'd turn around just to see you for the last time. See now I know, hey that won't be easy. I fought through every battle, I'd made it this far. I got a few more feet, but it's still the longest yard). I’ve come a long way but I still have a long way to go. It wasn't just about shutting the door to the bad place; it was about realizing that the bad place no longer exists. But in my head, it's still there. I was running away from it, when in fact I needed to burn it down. I was running away from it but with no clear direction where I wanted to go. I guess I hoped the road would lead me to where I was supposed to end up, like fate, like the movies... Wasn’t that what was supposed to happen? And I thought I met my destiny but I guess I rushed into things too quickly and too furiously ...I ended up pushing him away. And the others away...all those people I hurt. Oh yes, I'd get karma for sure. This is probably the longest yard, the longest yard to solitude.


Maybe it will take me time to see the goal post. I don’t even know what I’m supposed to see there. A rocking chair and dentures and an unworn wedding gown? An unused crib? Oh and a collection of flasks? Haha J In my hopeless romantic dream it will be bad-place free, with someone who loves me to death. Quite the bad boy but really a gentleman with Orlando Bloom's good looks, Adam Sandler's wit, Donald Trump's money, Bill Gates’ intelligence and Masaharu Morimoto’s culinary skills. Just one flaw: I'm not allowed to kiss him because once I do, he'd turn into Marilyn Manson and will be stuck like that forever. Oh and I cannot divorce him. That’s the catch. Haha. Me and my foolish what-if games.


But until then I will keep running. Not away but forward. I have moved on. I've come a long way. And I will continue to move on until the bad place is a tiny dot on the horizon. That’s what’s left to do. Run across the longest yard of my life to whoever and whatever it leads me to. Yes. And I know I can do it. I have wonderful friends ahead of me who will coach me along the way and show me that the milestones in their lives will be my milestones too, someday. But until then, I will run at my own pace, enjoy what I enjoy most and not let anyone hold me back.


To yards and milestones, to losses and gains, to old and new friends, to past loves and future loves, to dried tears and fresh ones, to more smiles n laughter, to growing up n moving on, to tiny baby steps and to leaps n bounds. I will see you all down this uncertain path called the future. I usually don’t like uncertainty but I don’t believe in divination either.

To not knowing, and to hoping, to new memories to be made.


I parked my car and sat in the dark, thinking. The problem with me is I analyze too much. I think too much. I dream too much. I wish I were a guy so that the only thing on my mind would be sex, beer and sports (kidding). I’m going ballistic from all the thinking. Ballistic enough to actually write down my thoughts in my blog for the world to see. Who's gonna want to marry me now? I write about ingrowns and pics on coffins, flying phlegm balls and love spells, I call myself damaged goods and admit I’m a drama queen? Who’s gonna want to marry a girl who talks to her brain and her heart like they’re real people? Perhaps no one. Or perhaps, by some miracle, someone exactly like her.


Tu rêves!


Where is he, where is he? Where is this beautiful guy? Who is he? Who is he? Who's gonna take me so high? That’s it Maya, too much pop songs, too much coffee, too much TV. You’re being such a Daria... and a Charlotte and a Susan. Maybe I should turn myself into an Edie. Yes yes. Desperate times call for Desperate Housewives. Sigh. I need alcohol to kill my overactive brain cells...if I have a beer belly big enough to look like there’s a baby inside, people will stop bugging me about motherhood...sounds like a plan – I’d turn into a man.

I stepped out of my car and shut the door. For a moment I stood there, admiring my sleek shiny mags. I love my car. She’s so pretty.


Oh yes, I'm a man already.