And So This is Christmas

Went to Ayala mall area last Saturday to go grocery shopping with mommy and do a little Christmas shopping…or should I say start with my Christmas shopping since I haven’t gotten anyone anything yet. While I was driving along the longest parking lot that is EDSA, I realized some things about Christmas. Then I realized that in 1997, I wrote a similar entry in my High School journal - a journal we were all forced to fill up with our pensive teenage reflections for English class. And 10 years later, here I am thinking the same thoughts again. Either Christmas in Manila hasn’t changed or my outlook in life is still as childish and glum as that of my scrawny slightly nerdy high school self. These are the things I noted in between my mental curses directed at those g damn taxi and bus drivers who don’t know road courtesy even if it chewed off their friggin’ faces!!!

1. Christmas time in Manila = heavy traffic EVERYwhere

2. It also means = “Time to Exploit the Shoppers” season for taxi drivers as they shift to “Drive Like An Ass” gear while slinking their way around like the vile conniving snakes that they are.

3. I also realized, while staring at the back of a REVO for a full 20 minutes that REVO is actually OVER spelled backwards while TOYOTA is ATOYOT and CIVIC is still CIVIC.

4. I also realized that my mom is still a backseat driver. And she still gets mad when I try to make like a taxi driver and “drive like an ass.”

5. And that sometimes even if you dress up curse words as Crap! Sheet! Fuuuudge! Puch! and wish those drivers would die or crap their pants or die with crap in their pants, your mom will still shush you.

6. When I got to the parking lot, just like in my 1997 journal, people were fighting over parking spaces. There was this guy who was literally screaming his lungs off while cursing this lady who took his spot. And another couple fighting with a teenager, you guessed it, over a parking spot. Which made me sigh. How ironic. Christmas is the time to give and share and the time to be nice and not naughty. But cases like this usually happen only around Christmas time.

7. When I entered the mall I saw what felt like a gazillion kids buying toys and clothes. Christmas is indeed for children. Naughty or nice. And their parents will do everything, to make their children’s Christmas a happy one – fight over parking space, over the last toy in stock, over who goes first at the line at the cashier. Which is good because it’s the only time during the year when parents show their little gremlins how much they care.

8. I also realized that I have 6 godchildren and I still have no gifts for them.

9. Which sent me to a panicked frenzy. So I made a list of gifts to buy and rushed around buying the nicest presents I could find (that fit my budget). So I realized how year after year, I resolve to shop early but I still end up rushing like there was only one week til Christmas. And yes it’s true.

10. Some people (the really dorky ones) who shop one month before Christmas end up floating around the mall like butterflies with all the time in the world. Which totally pissed me off. I actually had a little spat with one of them who looked like she was on dope, staring off into space and holding up the line like her world was in slow mo.

11. That NOT all SM ladies ask you if you have an SM Advantage card. Hah! I finally found one who totally forgot to ask me.

12. That when I badly need to shop, I have trouble finding good stuff to buy but when I window shop I find things that I totally drool over but can’t buy.

13. That some salesladies are just totally blah. They don’t know what the hell they’re selling or just don’t understand what you’re looking for. And some of them are just so inaudible you just want to tell them to get out of the sales industry if they can’t speak up.

14. That I hear Jose Mari Chan during Christmas every single year whenever I see girls and boys selling lanterns on the street…

15. That the kids who sing carols at you doorstep usually sing the same medley you know the one that starts with “Sa May Bahay…” followed by “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” and “Thank you..thank you, ang babait ninyo thank you.”

16. That during Christmas I’m usually grumpy. Like the Grinch. Or the grumpy dwarf and the Grumpy Bear that doesn’t care. Or Ebenezer Scrooge. I’m like the Nightmare Before Christmas.

But don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas. It’s my favorite time of the year. And I will rejoice and celebrate the birthday of Jesus. But the rejoicing will not be as jolly or as merry. Not this year. With Chev on the other side of the world, I just don’t feel the spirit of Christmas. I can’t take the distance and I can’t take all this holiday cheer.

I Sent My Heart to San Francisco

It was tough when he left yesterday for San Francisco.

It was tough helping him pack his things. Trying to fit in 2 years worth of clothing and accessories into one giant luggage and wanting to fill it with little things that will remind him of you …knowing that you won’t be able to see each other whenever you want to.

It was tough having lunch with him, talking and laughing and acting like it’s just another normal lunch…knowing it will be a while before you eat together again.

It was tough driving to the airport and asking him to drive faster so he can make it in time…knowing that getting to the airport is the last thing you want to happen.

It was tough talking to his parents at the waiting area when all you want is to spend time with him alone….knowing he’ll be gone in a just a few precious minutes.

It was tough giving him a quick kiss goodbye…knowing that you want nothing but to hug him tight and never let him go.

It was tough wishing him a good trip...knowing that all you want to say is "please don't go...not without me"

It was tough making small talk with his parents before leaving…knowing all you want to do is run to your car so you can break down and cry.

It was tough driving home with all the tears in your eyes...knowing it will take a while before they stop falling.

It was tough talking to him on the phone before he finally boarded the plane…knowing there was nothing any of you could say to make each other feel better.

It was tough saying goodbye.

But it’s tougher waking up and trying to get back into your routine knowing that it will never be the same...…that he won’t be a call away…that he won’t be there at the end of the day

It feels tougher than breaking up with someone because then you do everything to forget...but now you hold on to everything you can remember. And even if the memories make you smile, they also make you cry. Because you know from now on, life will never be the same again. And it will be a while before you can make it right.

I've never missed anyone so much in my life. And it's only our first day apart. Sigh.