Family Guy Quotes

Ok I can't stop. I just searched and searched the web for funny quotes from Stewie Griffin of Family Guy. And here are my picks.

Lois Griffin: Come on Stewie, don't be afraid. It's just water, it's not gonna bite.
Stewie Griffin: Shut up! I know it's not going to bite, stupid! What a stupid thing to say. You drown in it you moron! It doesn't have to bite you!

Stewie: Let me guess, you picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn and turn until OOP! big shock, a jack pops out and you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside.

Stewie: Hello, mother. I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster

Stewie: I was under the impression the name of the show was "Kids Say the Darndest Things," not "Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up."

Bill Cosby: Stewie, what do you think candy is made out of?
Stewie Griffin: Sunshine and farts! What the hell kind of question is that?!

Meg: Everybody! Guess what I am?
Stewie: Hm, the end result of a drunken back-seat grope-fest and a broken prophylactic?

Chris: Hey little dude, how about some ice cream?

Stewie: Yes I could go for a frozen treat right about now. But no sprinkles. And for every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.

Stewie: Oh forgive me for not being one of those anorexic babies from the diaper commercials.

Stewie: You know what else is disgusting? (He farts and his right eye turns red.) Oh damn, I broke a blood vessel.

Meg: Mom guess what! I made the Flag Girl squad
Stewie: Flag Girl? Ummmm, yes good for you... Now you can be somewhere else when the boys don't call!

Lois: What kind of egotistical, selfish, moronic and idiotic person would get liposuction... Who? WHO?
(Peter walks in at half of his weight)
Stewie: Oh my God... It has finally happened, he has become so massive that he collapsed into himself like a neutron star.

(Peter is trying to potty train Stewie)
Peter: C'mon Stewie, don't you want to pee in the toilet like a big boy?
Stewie: Well, perhaps I could give it the old college try. Would you put your hands there on the toilet seat, it'll help me relax.
Peter: OK. (Slams toilet seat down on Peter's fingers.) AAAHHHHHH!!!!
Stewie: Listen you, I'll use these facilities when I'm DAMN WELL READY!!!! Until then you shall continue to sanitize my crevice and be DAMN GRATFEUL FOR THE OPPORTUNITY!!! Starting right . . .hmmp. . . hmmmp. . . . .hmmmmmp well then, not now, BUT SOON! (Walks off.)

Stewie: By all means, turn me into a child star. Perhaps I can move to Californ-i-ay and wrangle me a three-way with the Olsen twins.

Stewie: Easy! Massage the scalp. You're washing a baby's hair, not scrubbing vomit off your Christmas dress, you holiday drunk.

Robber: I'm gonna go bang my girlfriend and then I'm gonna kill Chris Griffin!
Stewie: Good lord! Can he really say "bang my girlfriend" on TV?

Lois (to Stewie): Come on sweetie, eat your broccoli. It's good for you! Here comes the airplane!
Stewie (to Lois): Damn you, damn the broccoli, and damn the Wright Brothers!

Stewie: So broccoli, mother says your good for me,well I'm afraid i'm not good for you!

Meg: Can I be in the play, Mom?
Stewie: Oh yes, you can be the dumpy teenage girl who cries backstage because no one finds her attractive.

Eliza: Ew, your breath smells like kitty litter.
Stewie: I was curious!

Chris: Can I go now? Stewie's gonna help me with my math homework.
Lois: Chris...he can't help you with your homework, he's just a baby!
Stewie: And I guess you're a Rhodes Scholar yourself. Where did you graduate from again, the University of DUH?!?!?

Stewie: Hey look! The fat one made a funny! Okay, I got one....if you were to cook any slower, why you wouldnt be cooking very fast now would you? (Pause.) Well that wasn't very funny....oh, oh...okay I got one (giggling) if you were to cook any slower, you wouldn't need an egg timer, you would need an egg calander....hahahaha!! Oh yes, I went there!!

Stewie: Now, I'm going to do something I like to call the 'Compliment Sandwhich" Where I say something good, talk about where you need improvement, and then end with something good.
Brian: Whatever you gotta do...
Stewie (flips notepad): Something good... something good... You look like SNOOPY and it makes me smile... but you have smelly dog farts.

Stewie: Well, Well mother we meet again.
Lois: Stewie I thought I tucked you in an hour ago.
Stewie: Not tightly enough it would seem, and now you contemptible harpy, I shall end your oppressive reign of matriarchal tyranny!

Lois: Look its the New Year's baby!
Stewie: Yes, I rather like the sash, but do the Huggies make my ass look big?

Stewie: I say, am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here.
Peter: Hey stinky. Have we got big plans for you.
Stewie: Plans? What the devil are you talking about?

Stewie: Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.

Olivia: You are the weakest link, goodbye. (laughter)
Stewie: Ha ha ha! Oh gosh that's funny! That's really funny! Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. You are the weakest link goodbye. You know, I've, I've never heard anyone make that joke before. Hmm. You're the first. I've never heard anyone reference, reference that outside the program before. Because that's what she says on the show right? Isn't it? You are the weakest link goodbye. And, and yet you've taken that and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. God what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. That's so fresh too. Any, any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me too as long as we're hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity. God you're so funny!

Lois: I'm gonna go get some oranges Stewie. Here, hold the rest of these bags for mommy."
Stewie: Oh, what brilliant parenting Lois. Leave a tiny infant with a plastic bag. You know I might asphyxiate myself just to teach you a lesson. Here I go. Just like that boy from INXS..(Stewie tries to put bag over top of his head.)

*Pics from Planet Family Guy